THE FOUR N's

Susan David’s research shows that being able to identify emotional experiences is key to emotional health and psychosocial well-being.  She writes, “Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be absolutely transformative” and that those who are able to identify and manage emotions “do much, much better at managing the ups and downs of ordinary existence than those who see everything in black and white.”1  

What if we could better notice our emotions (being fully aware, present, grounded, and engaged), name them (being emotionally intelligent), negotiate with them (finding insight, healing, and strength), and navigate forward with them through healthy regulation (living freely, healthily, authentically, and unfettered)?  What if our emotions are important signals or clues to an invitation to growth and healing?  What if our emotions could be a guide to better personal development and fulfillment?  What if we could recognize these five core emotions as invitations to encounter greater depths of experiencing life to the full?  I use these 'FOUR N's' –

      Notice       Name      Negotiate       Navigate

– to explore ways of leaning into greater mindfulness with, and regulation through, our own emotional experiences.  This may not only help one grow personally, but it may also help one be a better non-anxious, loving presence for others in their own journeys toward better healthy grounding and growth.  Being a more emotionally grounded person is a way we can more fully receive, enjoy, and share a loving life together.  In the preface to her excellent book, Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair, American psychotherapist and poet Miriam Greenspan writes, “More and more, as a society, we have come to comprehend that the ability to feel, understand, and manage our emotions, especially those we call “negative”, is a vital aspect of overall intelligence and essential to living a good life.” 2  

1  Susan David, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life (Avery Publishing, New York, NY, 2016), p. 85.

2  Miriam Greenspan, Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair (Shambhala Publications Inc., Boston MS), 2003, p. xii 

EMOTIONAL HEALING

In my work as a pastor and spiritual director, many people have told me stories of their childhood traumas.  Most of these people had never told anyone about these incidents before, and some had not even remembered these events before the memory appeared in a session with me while exploring their emotions.  I would ask them what the strongest emotion they were feeling right now.  Then I would ask what was the first thing that popped into their head when I asked them what their earliest memory of that same feeling was.  So many said something like “You know, I have never remembered this before, and I have never told anyone about this, but the first thing that popped into my head was about this time when…”  Then they tell me about a horrific event that they had experienced as a child, while I held the space with non-judgmental, non-anxious, silent empathy.  After telling me about the event, they all asked, “Was that abuse?”  I say, “Yes.  And you are safe now, and it was not your fault”, and many of them break into tears.  Every man I have experienced this with also said the event took place when they were about 8 years old.  This makes sense, as it is at about age eight that individuals develop a sense of self in differentiation from their parents and other caregivers.  It is also when one begins to be more conscious of the wounds that shape us.  Bessel van der Kolk writes,

 

“There are deeply entrenched, wounded little boys inside so many who are simply seeking validation and safety.  Our earliest caregivers don't only feed us, dress us, and comfort us when we are upset; they shape the way our rapidly growing brain perceives reality. Our interactions with our caregivers convey what is safe and what is dangerous: whom we can count on and who will let us down; what we need to do to get our needs met. This information is embodied in the warp and woof of our brain circuitry and forms the template of how we think of our-selves and the world around us. These inner maps are remarkably stable across time.”[1]

 

Richard Schwartz has developed the school of therapy known as Internal Family Systems.  In this approach, the multiple “parts” of one’s inner world are related to as separate aspects of oneself.  One common type of “part” inside us are “Exiles”.  Schwartz says,

 

“These are often the younger ones that have frequently been called inner children in our culture. Before we get hurt, they are the delightful, playful, creative, trusting, innocent, and open parts of us that we love to be close to. They are also the most sensitive parts, so when someone hurts, betrays, shames, or scares us, they are the parts who take in the extreme beliefs and emotions (burdens) from those events the most. After the trauma or attachment injury, the burdens these parts absorb shift them from their fun, playful states to chronically wounded inner children who are frozen in the past and have the ability to overwhelm us and pull us back into those dreadful scenes. They move from feeling "I am loved" to "I am worthless" and "No one loves me", and when they blend with us that belief becomes our paradigm and we feel all their burdened emotions. It feels unbearable to reexperience those emotions and to believe those things, and, often, those burdens impair our ability to function in the world.”[2]

 

This my book, "Five Invitations: Engaging Your Five Core Emotions for Healing and Growth" is an attempt to help us unburden and grow towards more healthy true selves and develop healthier inner maps through learning to recognize, acknowledge, and engage with our emotions.  I am interested in doing this, not just to educate ourselves about this important dimension of human experience, but also to explore what may be a healing opportunity for myself and many others.  The point is not to avoid the “darker” emotions and just be happy, nor to try harder to control one’s emotions, but to fully and deeply experience the invitation to live authentically with all of life’s experiences, including all our emotions.  I am concentrating on just these five “core emotions” to simplify things for people like me who are just starting to comprehend this complex dimension of life.  I want to grow in wisdom and health.  Do you? 

 

[1]  Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps Score: Brian, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Penguin Random House LLC, New York, NY, 2014), p. 131

 

[2]  Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts, p. 73-74.

YOUR TRUE SELF

There are many studies and theories about what human beings’ greatest needs are.  In The Space Between Us: Conversations About Transforming Conflict, Betty Pries offers: belonging, significance, contribution, security, being known, being understood, and being respected.[1]  On her website, Argentine psychologist and educator Chloe Madanes offers: certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth, and contribution.[2]  American speaker, author, and researcher Scott Barry Kaufman (via Abraham Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs’) offers: safety, connection, self-esteem, exploration, love, and purpose. [3]  The “healthy self”, "emotional competence”, or “emotional intelligence” are what I am calling the “true self”.  American Trappist priest and author Thomas Keating describes the true self as “the image of God within us”.[4]  It is the image of your ideal, fully healthy, mature, actualized self that your Creator knows you to truly be.  It is what we are at our best, when our deepest needs are being met.

 

The opposite of this “true self” is the “false self”.  Thomas Keating describes the false self as 

 

“the idealized image of ourselves developed from early childhood to cope with emotional trauma due to the frustration of our instinctual needs for survival / security, affection / esteem, and power / control. The false self also seeks happiness through identification with a particular group from whom it can find acceptance and thus build feelings of self-worth. On the social level, it gives rise to violence, war, and institutional injustice.”[5]

[1]  Betty Pries, The Space Between Us: Conversations About Transforming Conflict (Harold Press, Harrisonburg, VI, 2021), p. 53.

[2]  https://madanesinstitute.com/the-6-human-needs/

[3]  Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, (TarcherPerigee, New York, NY, 2021). xiii-xvi 

[4]  Thomas Keating, Open Mind, Open Heart (Bloomsbury Continuum, New York, NY, 2023), p. 99

[5]  Keating, Open Mind, Open Heart, p. 2-3 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

In the introduction to her beautiful catalogue on emotions, Atlas of the Heart, American author, academic researcher, and podcaster Brené Brown writes, “Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it's almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other.  When we don't understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other.” [1]   Navigating our emotions is a vital part of cultivating a healthy true self.  American systemic family therapist, academic, author, and creator of the Internal Family Systems branch of therapy Richard Shwartz offers what he calls “The Eight Cs of Self Energy and Self-Leadership” as a description of a healthy self.  They are “Curiosity, Calm, Confidence, Compassion, Creativity, Clarity, Courage, and Connectedness.” [2]  These eight mindsets (not emotions) can define one’s navigation towards emotional intelligence and competence.  Gabor Maté describes “emotional competence” as:

The capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress.

 

The ability to express our emotions effectively and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional boundaries.

 

The facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past. What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and

 

The awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others. [3]

 

According to American Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman's model of emotional intelligence, the five core competencies are: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. 

 

Self-awareness is understanding your own emotions, strengths, and weaknesses, and how they impact others. 

 

Self-regulation is managing your emotions in a healthy way, controlling impulses, and responding appropriately to situations. 

 

Motivation is having a drive to achieve goals and staying positive even in challenging situations. 

 

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, seeing things from their perspective. 

 

Social skills are the abilities to build and maintain relationships, effectively communicate, and to navigate social situations. [4]

 

[1]  Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and The Language of Human Experience (Penguin Random House LLC, New York, NY, 2021), p. xx

 

[2]  Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model (Sounds True Inc., Boulder, CO, 2021), p. 98

 

[3]  Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress (Penguin Random House Canada, Toronto, ON, 2003), p. 38

 

[4]  Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence (Bantam Books, New York, NY, 2002). p. 24

EMOTIONAL RESPONSES

Emotional responses automatically release chemical reactions within one’s body.  Adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine are naturally created, stored, and distributed within human bodies.  They are all helpful to human survival.  An anger response to something wrong can lead one to engage that wrong with right action.  A fear response can help one react quickly to danger with life-saving action.  A sadness response can cultivate fundamental personal grieving processes as well as important community-building empathy from others.  A disgust reaction can save one from engaging with something poisonous.  A happiness response can release vital pleasure endorphins within one’s body.  Hungarian-born Canadian physician and Nazi genocide survivor Gabor Maté specializes in the study and treatment of addiction, and also widely recognized for his teaching on trauma, wrote;

 

“Early on in the process of evolution, primitive responses of attraction or repulsion became essential to the life and reproduction of living creatures. Emotions, and the physical cells and tissues that make them possible, evolved as part and parcel of the apparatus of survival. It is no wonder, then, that the basic molecules that connect all the body systems of homeostasis and defence also participate in emotional reactions. Messenger substances, including endorphins, may be found in the most primitive of creatures who lack even a rudimentary nervous system. It is not that the organs of emotion interact with the (psychoneuroimmunological) system—they form an essential part of this system.”[1]

 

The four “darker” emotions (anger, fear, sadness, and disgust – and their myriad of related variations) are basically reactions to stressful experiences.  I suggest that you take a look at the appendixes at the back of this book now and throughout your reading, to familiarize yourself with some of the concepts I am using to differentiate between the variations of each core emotion as well as the differences between the core emotions and other feelings.[2]  One cannot control life’s dangers, and one cannot control one’s reactions to them.  If one feels unsafe, one’s body will react to protect oneself.  Traumas (big T and little t)[3] will occur, and human bodies will react.  Dangerous stressful events cause humans to react with the famous “five Fs”; Fight (aggression), Flight (avoidance), Freeze (paralysis), Fawn (appeasement), and Flop (physical collapse or disassociation).  These are natural human survival reactions that have kept our species from extinction throughout human evolution.  But when these emotions are ignored, or when the adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine hormones are unregulated, they can become stored in places within our bodies, often released when activated by unrelated stresses at unhelpful moments.  We can become trapped in cycles of triggered fights, flights, freezes, fawnings, and flops.  These may be manifested in personal conflicts, detachments, addictions, abuses, and sicknesses.  Our common, natural reactions to life’s circumstances can become unhelpful problems and hinderances to life-giving relationships, personal development, and health, and can keep us fettered in unhappiness.  American psychiatrist, author, and trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk states, “Being able to feel safe with other people defines mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”[4]  Award-winning South African psychologist Susan David states that emotions “signal rewards and dangers. They point us in the direction of our hurt. They can also tell us which situations to engage with and which to avoid. They can be beacons, not barriers, helping us identify what we most care about and motivating us to make positive changes.” [5]

 

[1]  Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress (Penguin Random House Canada, Toronto, ON, 2003), p. 173

 

[2]  See Appendices A WORD ABOUT VARIATIONS OF EMOTIONS and A WORD ABOUT DIFFERENCES BETWEEN EMOTIONS AND OTHER “FEELINGS”.

 

[3]  See Appendix A WORD ABOUT TRAUMA.

 

[4]  Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps Score: Brian, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Penguin Random House LLC, New York, NY, 2014), p. 352.

[5] Susan David, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life (New York: Avery, 2016), 85. 

FIVE CORE EMOTIONS

In Disney’s animated films Inside-Out 1 and 2, the five core human emotions (anger, fear, sadness, disgust, and happiness) are depicted as characters actively operating from inside a young girl named Riley.  As they (literally) push her buttons, she operates “outside” with corresponding actions.  Following several schools of emotional theory,[1] these films illustrate how human beings commonly experience being triggered by emotional responses to everyday life circumstances.  Each of these emotions are common, natural, and helpful.  All other emotions could be categorized under each of these core ones.[2]  They have been shown to also correspond to universally common human facial expressions.[3]  The authors of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 use these same five emotions as the “core five” in their resources.[4]

 

Each of these emotional reactions are spontaneously and uncontrollably triggered by experienced circumstances.  The Gottman Institute gives the following list of common triggers:

 

I felt …

 

excluded                    uncared for                         that was unfair   
powerless                  lonely                                 frustrated
unheard                     ignored                               disconnected
scolded                     I couldn't be honest            trapped             
judged                       like the bad guy                  lack of passion

blamed                       forgotten                          I couldn’t speak up
disrespected              unsafe                              manipulated

lack of affection         unloved                            controlled  [5] 

 

 

[1]  The production team consulted with renowned emotion psychologists Paul Ekman and Dacher Keltner, as well as utilizing the popular emotion theories of Robert Plutchik, Walter Cannon and Philip Bard, and others.

 

[2]  The Appendix A WORD ABOUT VARIATIONS IN EMOTIONS describes some subtly different shades of each core emotion that express a multitude of shades for each of each core emotion in their high, medium, and low states.

 

[3]  This is the specific work of Paul Ekman Nonverbal Communication (1956).

 

 

[4]  Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, Emotional Intelligence 2.0: Harness the Power of the #1 Predictor of Success (TalentSmartEQ, San Diego, CA, 2009), p. 13.  I am using “disgust” as the name of the fourth emotion, while EI 2.0 uses “shame”.  See chapter four for my perspective that “disgust” is the natural reaction, while “shame” is what disgust becomes without faith, hope, and love. 

 

[5]  Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-triggers/

WHY WRITE A BOOK ABOUT EMOTIONS?

In my forty-five years of work in ministry I have found that most people, and men especially, have trouble recognizing, acknowledging, and engaging their feelings.  When asked how they are feeling, many men can only name “hungry”, “tired”, or “fine”.  These are not emotions.  They are physical sensations.   Meanwhile, under the surface, there is a spectrum of emotions often being ignored and suppressed that are triggering many unhelpful actions and reactions that negatively affect our everyday lives.  This is personal for me.  I remember being with my wife at a “Marriage Encounter” weekend.  In one exercise, we were asked to do a “dialogue” with our partner.  This was to help us communicate our deepest emotions with each other.  We were to use a simile (a figure of speech comparing two things to describe something, like “mad like crashing waves”, or “sad like a wet blanket”) to express how we were feeling.  All I could think of was, “I feel good … like I know that I should.”  My wife was a little disappointed.  And so was I.  

Realizing that I did not have the insight, nor the vocabulary, to understand and express what was going on for me emotionally left me and my loved ones disengaged from that rich part of me, and it left us hostages to the triggers that affected my relationships, work life, motivations, and general enjoyment of life.  Canadian psychologist and researcher Hillary McBride says I am not alone.  She writes, 

“We usually have trouble feeling emotions for a number of reasons: We were discouraged from feeling through shame, punishment, rejection, isolation, or the sense that our feelings would overwhelm the person we were hoping would help us. When we did feel, it was unbearable. We didn't know how to feel, how to soothe ourselves, or how to get through to the other side. Or we had to do it alone, but it was overwhelming and terrifying. We learned that feeling wasn't allowed for our particular identity or context.” *

Many men I know cannot name an emotion, let alone clearly articulate what they are feeling.  Meanwhile, too many women have a frustratingly unmet longing to connect deeply with their male partners emotionally.  But their male partners just can’t do it.  My wife has been a clinical therapist for over twenty years.  She says this is at the core of most unhappy marriages.  My newest book, "Five Invitations" is an attempt to help.

*  Hillary McBride, The Wisdom of Your Body: Finding Healing, Wholeness, and Connection Through Embodied Living (HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, Toronto, ON, 2021), p.115