EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

Some emotional experiences can be so shocking, that one will be emotionally wounded by them.  One vital aspect of finding healing and growth from emotional wounds and finding the way forward towards emotional health is the essential security of an unconditionally loving environment.  Studies have shown that brain pathways which are stuck in repetitive emotional trauma responses can be healed and released through revisiting of the trauma in the environment of a non-anxious, unconditionally supportive, friendly presence. [1]  Revisiting troubling memories that have us stuck, while in the presence of someone who can be with us in unconditional regard, can actually rewire the plasticity of the brain’s pathways to switch from triggering rage, anxiety, despair, shame, and addictions to cultivating healthy ways of being.  Bessel van der Kolk writes,

 

“Of course we can never undo what happened, but we can create new emotional scenarios intense and real enough to defuse and counter some of those old ones. The healing tableaus of structures offer an experience that many participants have never believed was possible for them: to be welcomed into a world where people delight in them, protect them, meet their needs, and make you feel at home.” [2]

 

American Jesuit priest and founder of ‘Homeboy Industries’ (the world’s largest gang intervention and rehabilitation program) Gregory Boyle works with gang members in Los Angeles, helping to build those kinds of “new emotional scenarios” and “healing tableaus of structures” among some of the most deeply entrenched, wounded little boys in the world.  He writes,

 

“At Homeboy Industries, we seek to tell each person this truth: they are exactly what God had in mind when God made them – and then watch, from this privileged place, as people inhabit this truth.  Nothing is the same again.  No bullet can pierce this, no prison walls can keep this out.  And death can’t touch it – it is just that huge.  But much stands in the way of this liberating truth.  You need to dismantle shame and disgrace, coaxing out the truth in people who’ve grown comfortable believing its opposite.” [3]

 

I believe we are invited to find our centred grounding in the only truly safe ground of all being – the loving presence of God.  Albert Einstein said the most fundamental question is whether this is a “friendly universe”.  He wrote,

 

“I think the most important question facing humanity is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’ This is the first and most basic question all people must answer for themselves. For if we decide that the universe is an unfriendly place, then we will use our technology, our scientific discoveries and our natural resources to achieve safety and power by creating bigger walls to keep out the unfriendliness and bigger weapons to destroy all that which is unfriendly, and I believe that we are getting to a place where technology is powerful enough that we may either completely isolate or destroy ourselves as well in this process. If we decide that the universe is neither friendly nor unfriendly and that God is essentially ‘playing dice with the universe’, then we are simply victims to the random toss of the dice, and our lives have no real purpose or meaning. But if we decide that the universe is a friendly place, then we will use our technology, our scientific discoveries and our natural resources to create tools and models for understanding that universe. Because power and safety will come through understanding its workings and its motives. God does not play dice with the universe.” [4]

 

[1]  Begley, Sharon. The Brain: How The Brain Rewires Itself. Time Magazine (Jan. 19, 2012).  See also Begley, Sharon, Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain: How A New Science Reveals Our Extraordinary Potential to Transform Ourselves, New York: Random House, Ballantine, 2007.

 

[2]  Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps Score: Brian, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Penguin Random House LLC, New York, NY, 2014), p. 310.

 

[3]  Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion (Free Press, New York, NY, 2010) p. 193.

 

[4]  Albert Einstein, Letters to Paul Epstein, 1945.

AN EXAMINED LIFE

 I invite you to try the Four N's: to notice the emotions, name them, negotiate with them, and navigate with them into your everyday life to lean into greater mindfulness with your daily emotional experiences. A promising idea is that God shows up as your life.  As Parker Palmer says, “Let your life speak.”[1]  There is nothing more fundamental and universal in our lives than our emotions.  We are easily distracted, disoriented, and disrupted by the events of our lives.  What if we could pause to welcome these emotions as invitations to pay attention to the loving safety God is offering us through re-centering?  American author and theologian Fredrick Buechner wrote, “Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness; touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”[2] 

 

According to Plato, Socrates lamented that “an unexamined life is not worth living.”  Look at each of the core emotions in turn, and explore what each one may offer as an invitation for you to examine your life and seek wisdom, growth, and healing.  Ask what may be really going on with each emotion as a response to life’s experiences: What buried emotional wounds may be being triggered? What longing for love and safety may be being exposed? How might a false self be hiding your true identitt through repressed or unexpressed emotions? How, through a truly examined life, might you live in a more meaningful and satisfying way?  Emotional intelligence is vital to experiencing satisfying relationships.  Satisfying relationships are the most important thing for wellbeing.  The point is not to shame anyone for a lack of some emotional intelligence, nor is the point to push anyone to try harder to feel anything.  Rather, I hope meaningful reflections on one's emotions will open people to at least one step further along a path of a truly examined life that is well worth living.

 

[1]  Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass: A Wiley Co., 2000).

 

[2]  Fredrick Buechner, Now and Then: A Memoir of Vocation (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1991), 87.

 

THE FOUR N's

Susan David’s research shows that being able to identify emotional experiences is key to emotional health and psychosocial well-being.  She writes, “Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be absolutely transformative” and that those who are able to identify and manage emotions “do much, much better at managing the ups and downs of ordinary existence than those who see everything in black and white.”1  

What if we could better notice our emotions (being fully aware, present, grounded, and engaged), name them (being emotionally intelligent), negotiate with them (finding insight, healing, and strength), and navigate forward with them through healthy regulation (living freely, healthily, authentically, and unfettered)?  What if our emotions are important signals or clues to an invitation to growth and healing?  What if our emotions could be a guide to better personal development and fulfillment?  What if we could recognize these five core emotions as invitations to encounter greater depths of experiencing life to the full?  I use these 'FOUR N's' –

      Notice       Name      Negotiate       Navigate

– to explore ways of leaning into greater mindfulness with, and regulation through, our own emotional experiences.  This may not only help one grow personally, but it may also help one be a better non-anxious, loving presence for others in their own journeys toward better healthy grounding and growth.  Being a more emotionally grounded person is a way we can more fully receive, enjoy, and share a loving life together.  In the preface to her excellent book, Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair, American psychotherapist and poet Miriam Greenspan writes, “More and more, as a society, we have come to comprehend that the ability to feel, understand, and manage our emotions, especially those we call “negative”, is a vital aspect of overall intelligence and essential to living a good life.” 2  

1  Susan David, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life (Avery Publishing, New York, NY, 2016), p. 85.

2  Miriam Greenspan, Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair (Shambhala Publications Inc., Boston MS), 2003, p. xii 

EMOTIONAL HEALING

In my work as a pastor and spiritual director, many people have told me stories of their childhood traumas.  Most of these people had never told anyone about these incidents before, and some had not even remembered these events before the memory appeared in a session with me while exploring their emotions.  I would ask them what the strongest emotion they were feeling right now.  Then I would ask what was the first thing that popped into their head when I asked them what their earliest memory of that same feeling was.  So many said something like “You know, I have never remembered this before, and I have never told anyone about this, but the first thing that popped into my head was about this time when…”  Then they tell me about a horrific event that they had experienced as a child, while I held the space with non-judgmental, non-anxious, silent empathy.  After telling me about the event, they all asked, “Was that abuse?”  I say, “Yes.  And you are safe now, and it was not your fault”, and many of them break into tears.  Every man I have experienced this with also said the event took place when they were about 8 years old.  This makes sense, as it is at about age eight that individuals develop a sense of self in differentiation from their parents and other caregivers.  It is also when one begins to be more conscious of the wounds that shape us.  Bessel van der Kolk writes,

 

“There are deeply entrenched, wounded little boys inside so many who are simply seeking validation and safety.  Our earliest caregivers don't only feed us, dress us, and comfort us when we are upset; they shape the way our rapidly growing brain perceives reality. Our interactions with our caregivers convey what is safe and what is dangerous: whom we can count on and who will let us down; what we need to do to get our needs met. This information is embodied in the warp and woof of our brain circuitry and forms the template of how we think of our-selves and the world around us. These inner maps are remarkably stable across time.”[1]

 

Richard Schwartz has developed the school of therapy known as Internal Family Systems.  In this approach, the multiple “parts” of one’s inner world are related to as separate aspects of oneself.  One common type of “part” inside us are “Exiles”.  Schwartz says,

 

“These are often the younger ones that have frequently been called inner children in our culture. Before we get hurt, they are the delightful, playful, creative, trusting, innocent, and open parts of us that we love to be close to. They are also the most sensitive parts, so when someone hurts, betrays, shames, or scares us, they are the parts who take in the extreme beliefs and emotions (burdens) from those events the most. After the trauma or attachment injury, the burdens these parts absorb shift them from their fun, playful states to chronically wounded inner children who are frozen in the past and have the ability to overwhelm us and pull us back into those dreadful scenes. They move from feeling "I am loved" to "I am worthless" and "No one loves me", and when they blend with us that belief becomes our paradigm and we feel all their burdened emotions. It feels unbearable to reexperience those emotions and to believe those things, and, often, those burdens impair our ability to function in the world.”[2]

 

This my book, "Five Invitations: Engaging Your Five Core Emotions for Healing and Growth" is an attempt to help us unburden and grow towards more healthy true selves and develop healthier inner maps through learning to recognize, acknowledge, and engage with our emotions.  I am interested in doing this, not just to educate ourselves about this important dimension of human experience, but also to explore what may be a healing opportunity for myself and many others.  The point is not to avoid the “darker” emotions and just be happy, nor to try harder to control one’s emotions, but to fully and deeply experience the invitation to live authentically with all of life’s experiences, including all our emotions.  I am concentrating on just these five “core emotions” to simplify things for people like me who are just starting to comprehend this complex dimension of life.  I want to grow in wisdom and health.  Do you? 

 

[1]  Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps Score: Brian, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Penguin Random House LLC, New York, NY, 2014), p. 131

 

[2]  Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts, p. 73-74.

YOUR TRUE SELF

There are many studies and theories about what human beings’ greatest needs are.  In The Space Between Us: Conversations About Transforming Conflict, Betty Pries offers: belonging, significance, contribution, security, being known, being understood, and being respected.[1]  On her website, Argentine psychologist and educator Chloe Madanes offers: certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth, and contribution.[2]  American speaker, author, and researcher Scott Barry Kaufman (via Abraham Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs’) offers: safety, connection, self-esteem, exploration, love, and purpose. [3]  The “healthy self”, "emotional competence”, or “emotional intelligence” are what I am calling the “true self”.  American Trappist priest and author Thomas Keating describes the true self as “the image of God within us”.[4]  It is the image of your ideal, fully healthy, mature, actualized self that your Creator knows you to truly be.  It is what we are at our best, when our deepest needs are being met.

 

The opposite of this “true self” is the “false self”.  Thomas Keating describes the false self as 

 

“the idealized image of ourselves developed from early childhood to cope with emotional trauma due to the frustration of our instinctual needs for survival / security, affection / esteem, and power / control. The false self also seeks happiness through identification with a particular group from whom it can find acceptance and thus build feelings of self-worth. On the social level, it gives rise to violence, war, and institutional injustice.”[5]

[1]  Betty Pries, The Space Between Us: Conversations About Transforming Conflict (Harold Press, Harrisonburg, VI, 2021), p. 53.

[2]  https://madanesinstitute.com/the-6-human-needs/

[3]  Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, (TarcherPerigee, New York, NY, 2021). xiii-xvi 

[4]  Thomas Keating, Open Mind, Open Heart (Bloomsbury Continuum, New York, NY, 2023), p. 99

[5]  Keating, Open Mind, Open Heart, p. 2-3 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

In the introduction to her beautiful catalogue on emotions, Atlas of the Heart, American author, academic researcher, and podcaster Brené Brown writes, “Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it's almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other.  When we don't understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other.” [1]   Navigating our emotions is a vital part of cultivating a healthy true self.  American systemic family therapist, academic, author, and creator of the Internal Family Systems branch of therapy Richard Shwartz offers what he calls “The Eight Cs of Self Energy and Self-Leadership” as a description of a healthy self.  They are “Curiosity, Calm, Confidence, Compassion, Creativity, Clarity, Courage, and Connectedness.” [2]  These eight mindsets (not emotions) can define one’s navigation towards emotional intelligence and competence.  Gabor Maté describes “emotional competence” as:

The capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress.

 

The ability to express our emotions effectively and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional boundaries.

 

The facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past. What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and

 

The awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others. [3]

 

According to American Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman's model of emotional intelligence, the five core competencies are: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. 

 

Self-awareness is understanding your own emotions, strengths, and weaknesses, and how they impact others. 

 

Self-regulation is managing your emotions in a healthy way, controlling impulses, and responding appropriately to situations. 

 

Motivation is having a drive to achieve goals and staying positive even in challenging situations. 

 

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, seeing things from their perspective. 

 

Social skills are the abilities to build and maintain relationships, effectively communicate, and to navigate social situations. [4]

 

[1]  Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and The Language of Human Experience (Penguin Random House LLC, New York, NY, 2021), p. xx

 

[2]  Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model (Sounds True Inc., Boulder, CO, 2021), p. 98

 

[3]  Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress (Penguin Random House Canada, Toronto, ON, 2003), p. 38

 

[4]  Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence (Bantam Books, New York, NY, 2002). p. 24