YOUR TRUE SELF

There are many studies and theories about what human beings’ greatest needs are.  In The Space Between Us: Conversations About Transforming Conflict, Betty Pries offers: belonging, significance, contribution, security, being known, being understood, and being respected.[1]  On her website, Argentine psychologist and educator Chloe Madanes offers: certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth, and contribution.[2]  American speaker, author, and researcher Scott Barry Kaufman (via Abraham Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs’) offers: safety, connection, self-esteem, exploration, love, and purpose. [3]  The “healthy self”, "emotional competence”, or “emotional intelligence” are what I am calling the “true self”.  American Trappist priest and author Thomas Keating describes the true self as “the image of God within us”.[4]  It is the image of your ideal, fully healthy, mature, actualized self that your Creator knows you to truly be.  It is what we are at our best, when our deepest needs are being met.

 

The opposite of this “true self” is the “false self”.  Thomas Keating describes the false self as 

 

“the idealized image of ourselves developed from early childhood to cope with emotional trauma due to the frustration of our instinctual needs for survival / security, affection / esteem, and power / control. The false self also seeks happiness through identification with a particular group from whom it can find acceptance and thus build feelings of self-worth. On the social level, it gives rise to violence, war, and institutional injustice.”[5]

[1]  Betty Pries, The Space Between Us: Conversations About Transforming Conflict (Harold Press, Harrisonburg, VI, 2021), p. 53.

[2]  https://madanesinstitute.com/the-6-human-needs/

[3]  Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, (TarcherPerigee, New York, NY, 2021). xiii-xvi 

[4]  Thomas Keating, Open Mind, Open Heart (Bloomsbury Continuum, New York, NY, 2023), p. 99

[5]  Keating, Open Mind, Open Heart, p. 2-3 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

In the introduction to her beautiful catalogue on emotions, Atlas of the Heart, American author, academic researcher, and podcaster Brené Brown writes, “Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it's almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other.  When we don't understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other.” [1]   Navigating our emotions is a vital part of cultivating a healthy true self.  American systemic family therapist, academic, author, and creator of the Internal Family Systems branch of therapy Richard Shwartz offers what he calls “The Eight Cs of Self Energy and Self-Leadership” as a description of a healthy self.  They are “Curiosity, Calm, Confidence, Compassion, Creativity, Clarity, Courage, and Connectedness.” [2]  These eight mindsets (not emotions) can define one’s navigation towards emotional intelligence and competence.  Gabor Maté describes “emotional competence” as:

The capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress.

 

The ability to express our emotions effectively and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional boundaries.

 

The facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past. What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and

 

The awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others. [3]

 

According to American Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman's model of emotional intelligence, the five core competencies are: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. 

 

Self-awareness is understanding your own emotions, strengths, and weaknesses, and how they impact others. 

 

Self-regulation is managing your emotions in a healthy way, controlling impulses, and responding appropriately to situations. 

 

Motivation is having a drive to achieve goals and staying positive even in challenging situations. 

 

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, seeing things from their perspective. 

 

Social skills are the abilities to build and maintain relationships, effectively communicate, and to navigate social situations. [4]

 

[1]  Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and The Language of Human Experience (Penguin Random House LLC, New York, NY, 2021), p. xx

 

[2]  Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model (Sounds True Inc., Boulder, CO, 2021), p. 98

 

[3]  Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress (Penguin Random House Canada, Toronto, ON, 2003), p. 38

 

[4]  Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence (Bantam Books, New York, NY, 2002). p. 24